Monday, February 19, 2007

Barking Mad-vertising


Britain's top dog food manufacturer has announced Ukrainian feral child, Oxana Malaya, as the new face of Pedigree Chow.

According to a company press release, Malaya, who was
raised by feral dogs, was selected "because of her uncanny ability to connect with dogs and human beings alike."

However, when the PCP spoke with Head of Pedigree Chow Marketing, Frank Whanckerman, he told us that there was more to it.

Whanckerman said: "Dude, she's like totally feral. It's not an act. You couldn't make it up. It's just...just awesome. This is the kind of funny shit we make up in marketing meetings but...she's just so real. I was, like at the screen test, you know, drinking a few beers, and she crawls in. Crawls! I was all like 'what the fuck?!' We've totally got to use her. It's just, just so funny, you know? It's like, if someone doesn't use her for a dog food commercial...well, fuck, man, you know?

"Anyway, check this out. At this screen test, we're like, in the studio and she's like, you know, bounding about the studio on all fours, cocking her leg and peeing on the cameras and stuff...pretty gross. We're all like - 'that's pretty feral behaviour!' Ha ha ha! She IS though - that's what's so funny about her! She came up and stuck her nose right up at my arse - can you believe that? I usually have to pay for that. It's brilliant for me and brilliant for Pedigree Chow.

"We didn't even have to pay her anything. We kinda just gave her guardian like £1,000 - nothing to us but shit-loads to them. For a laugh, we gave like Oxana a fake cheque, that I actually drew - with a pen - and she can't even tell the difference between that and a real one. It's just brilliant - so funny. So we've got her for nothing. How inspired is that? It's just a marketer's dream! End of."

Comedy connections

Last week a hitherto camouflaged crack squad of comedy connections exploded into view. Although none have borne fruit, as yet, they've gotten me mildly over-excited. If nothing else, they offer me potential opportunities to get some useful feedback on the fat wad of sketches I've written to sell to TV & radio.

Saturday morning, I forced myself to call Tam Cowan, Daily Record columnist, radio and TV show presenter and comedy writer. A friend of my Dad's, Tam is the closest connection and the most likely to offer useful, honest feedback on my material so far.
I was nervous about making the call. All week - in fact, for two weeks, I had procrastinated. Though I believe in the scripts, I had been suffering from a sever case of rejection paranoia. However, I managed to get a grip and gingerly made the call. No answer. Following a rambling voicemail and follow-up text I let it lie. Still heard nothing but I can wait a week or so.

Friday evening, I met up with my old colleagues, and one who I had worked closely with for two years turns out to be pals with the talented Nicholas Burns, who played the lead in Chris Morris and Charlie Brooker's 'Michael-fuckin-Jackson-awesome' Nathan Barley. The pal may offer to read the scripts and give me some clinical feedback. Just what I need. How amazing?


And yet another connection is a fella at work, who has one of Britain's best comedy talents in the family, of all places. However, it will be some time before I'm prepared to have material viewed by someone of his talent, even if I'm ballsy enough to ask.

Nevertheless, interesting for these connections to sort of emerge from seemingly nowhere. And gives me a sense that I'll be able to get some contstructive cricicism on the material so far as well as some ideas on what to do with it.
And, the wheels are in motion now. Wonder that will happen on this new ride?

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Met arms police with snowballs

The Met police chief, Ian Blair, today confirmed that he will be arming his Armed Response Unit with snowballs.

Blair said: "The recent snowfall may have brought most of London to a standstill, but serious crime continues to flourish. Although criminals, like ordinary Londoners, cannot use any tube or overground trains becuase of this catastrophic 2 inch snowfall, they are using alternative means such as walking."

But Blair has cunningly turned the freak weather conditions to his advantage, by issuing snowballs to armed response police to hurl at weapon-wielding crooks.

Blair continued: "No-one can resist a snowball fight. Be it happy-go-luck school kid or hardened, sawn-off shotgun-carrying career criminal. So our plan is to despatch officers to a crime scene, where they take cover, and draw the crook into a snowball fight by pelting him. It's idiot-proof. Plus, are armed response unit has taken to killing innocent civilians, so snowballs are safer for the general public. "

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

The Wrath of the Inch of Snow

The Inch of Snow that brought London to its knees last week has issued a chilling threat: it may return in the cold snap this week. It's the news that Londoners surely feared the most, and may have some fleeing the town in terror.

Today, at 4.03 p.m., the Inch of Snow cut into national TV and radio broadcasts, taking over the country's airwaves to deliver it's nerve-rattling warning, in an accent alarmingly like Alan Rickman's:


"Puny Earthlings. I, the inch of snow, hate you. I hate your trains. I hate your Tube. I hate your inability to cope with even the meekest weather. And so I, the Inch of Snow, will return to destroy your diminishing faith in Britain's public transport once and for all. Beware.


"Your trains will grind to a halt. Your Tube lines will shut. Your buses will not move. And, although you humans will be able to walk and move exactly as normal through my really quite thin dusting of snow, and though that dusting only lasts until about 8.30 a.m., whereupon it just kind of melts, so help me I will bring your public transport to a grinding standstill."


The PCP asked Mayor Ken 'Livid' Livingston to comment, but his press spokesman said that he was "far too busy sending letter bombs to congestion charge managers, Capita."



Britain climbs up crime tree, follows PM's example

Britain finally has something to be proud of - it's #2 in Europe for crime and classified as a "high crime country".

Narrowly missing out on the top spot to, what Jedi Knight, Obi Wan Kenobi, calls a "wretched hive of scum and villainy", Ireland, the UK has claimed silver medal in Europe's crime leagues.

The island nation had yesterday started a last minute countrywide crime spree in a bid to clinch first place, but failed to topple Ireland, a land populated almost exclusively by criminals.

100% pure British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said that the nation should be proud of second place, but to try harder next year.


Today, as the British people crowded around TVs in their homes and crammed into pubs with big screens to see the results being announced, the Prime Minister gave the following address:

"People of Britain, we have done ourselves proud today. We have earned Europe's respect, and built a solid foundation to become the world's most criminal country. We have all done our bit. I have been a criminal. My illegal arms deals, wars and peerages for pals with cash have all contributed to our proud record in 2006. And Cherie has done her bit too, exploiting all the loop holes to help get me off the hook. I say to you: lets build on this success, and lets win that crime crown in 2007."

Since its empire has disintegrated, Britain has failed to come first at everything from sport to economics. However, these encouraging, new crime statistics offer hope to the British people, and many indeed help make the nation proud once again.