Eddie Murphy to play Melanie Brown in movie

Eddie Murphy has turned his paternity suit frown upside down thanks to a new movie role – as ex-girlfriend, Melanie Brown.

Handcuff hit-to-be

The Beverly Hills Cop star has broken free from the handcuffs of the recent court battle by playing his ex in a new story about her awesomely interesting life.

Sexy mental star

“Scary Spice – the Blagger from Britain” is the story of ex-Spice Girl and Murphy lover, Melanie Brown. Murphy is playing the title role of failed female pop star and serial star fucker, Mel ‘B’, because, his agent charitably states, “He is totally, beyond-psychiatric-rescue mental.” Murphy is known for playing the role of multiple characters in such hit movies as Coming to America and Nutty Professor. So he can play her. After she has played him, obviously.

Relax with transvestites

When he’s not playing a dramatised version of an ex-lover who has just dragged his reputation through the international tabloid press for personal gain, Murphy likes to relax by dating transvestites for money. So it's not like he's a stranger to weirdness.

WIFI spears bring head hunters into digital age

Only ten years ago they still feasted on human flesh, but now the ancient jungle tribes of Papua New Guinea are set to feast on 21^st century style information - thanks to the arrival of wifi-enabled spears.

Hollowed-out owls

The brainchild of Microsoft founder, E.T., and Intel CEO, R2D2, the internet-enabled spears blend seamlessy into the environment and connect wirelessly to transmitters hidden in hollowed-out owl carcasses in trees.

Yippee

R2D2 said, “This kind of technological advancement will allow them to leap thousands of years of missed civilisation straight into the wonderful world of the 21^st century. Yippee!”

Boar brain sorbet

One resident tribe, the Wakakukakakakuki, were said to be cannibals up until 1496. However, those tribesmen hoping to use their new cyber spears for a little dotcom shopping for such staples as tree frog poison shots, boar brain sorbet and cobra liver souffle will be disappointed: the internet cannot process the island's cuckoo feather currency – yet.