Eye contact epidemic threatens Tube travellers

Londoners are on alert today after the Met Police issued a new stark warning for tube travellers.

The Capital’s police force has told commuters to brace themselves for a wave of newcomers and tourists engaging them in eye contact and conversation on their daily commute.

The news comes when residents’ fears of strangers engaging in interactions on public transport are at an all time high due to growing visitor numbers and immigrants pouring into swinging London.

One London commuter, John Snatch, said: “I was in a train 20 minutes behind a colleague who was trapped in a blast of stranger chat – an Italian tourist asked him which train to take to Madame Tussauds. He’s been in therapy ever since. I had a narrow escape.”

Another, Margaret Cringe, said: “I’m never going on the tube again. It’s just not safe anymore. The unwritten rules of the Tube are no eye contact and no talking to strangers. Now those rules have been violated, I’ll never feel fully safe again. So I’ve bought a bike, and am going to cycle from now on.”

Eye contact and random conversation are perhaps the least understood of all threats to public sanity on London public transport. But new research by a source close to the PCP brings home the full horror of how an outbreak of such interactions, if increased in scale, might affect London.

It would wreak panic in the Underground, see large numbers of bus routes shut down, roads closed off and result in long-term illnesses such as politeness, sociability and human warmth.

One frightening possibility is that there’s an epidemic caused by tourists and those new to the town engaging in conversations with ordinary commuters. This could result in a mass hysteria that would shut the city down.

The London Mayor’s office has issued a stark warning to all Londoner’s to be on their guard, report any suspicious conversation-starters, and invest in anti-interaction solutions like headphones and dark glasses.

Man leaves wife for self-service checkout

Ayr, Scotland - Donald Donaldson, 47, today left his wife of 23 years, Rita, for a self-service checkout in his local supermarket.

Donaldson fell in love with the voice of the automated checkout in his local Tesco store, and has been spending evenings in the shop next to the checkout, waiting for what he thinks is a woman who will emerge from the machine at closing time.

Donaldson told the PCP: "She's everything to me. I'm walking on air when I hear her voice. Just listening to her - and that's the limit of our interaction currently - is enough to know: She completes me."

A spokesman for the Tesco store told us: "The guy thinks there's a woman in the machine. Talking to him. We have to remove him every night - physically throw him out of the store. One night, at about 3 a.m., our security found him standing naked and hugging and kissing the checkout. Around it he'd placed flowers, chocolate, a glass of champagne. There were romantic notes, too. He must have hid in here after closing."

Donaldson, has twice left wife, Rita, in the past ten years. In 1997, he had a short affair with an automated phone payment service for an electricity provider, and a full blown romance with the Glasgow Central railway station automated announcer.

iPhone to bring peace to Iraq by 2008

Apple launched the iPhone today, a phone that its founder Steve Jobs claims will bring peace to Iraq - but not until 2008.

Speaking from the MacWorld Forum 2007, Jobs said: "This phone pretty much does everything, and for sure peace in Iraq is the ambition (for iPhone). However, we're aware that it's a mature peace market there, with lots of competition trying to settle the nation. And, as we're new to this whole creating-a-lasting-peace-in -the-Middle-East thing, we want to walk before we can run. So we're projecting 2008 for a definitive, iPhone-driven peace."

The new wonder phone is also a music powerhouse. With it's dial-up style connection, it can download a CD-quality album in under 7.5 hours.

See also:
The iPod does everything
The iPod gets double wag of the finger

Tags: iPhone, Apple, MacWorld, Iraq, peace, Steve Jobs

7/7 hero saves toast from burning in office kitchen

Two slices of Warburton's toast were set to burn beyond all recognition, yesterday, until a 7/7 hero bravely dived in to save them.

In an ordinary, central London office kitchen, consultant, Amanda Sloan, had put her white bread slices into the toaster, expecting a nice lightly toasted bread awaiting her in minutes. But - crucially - she failed to check the timer. It was set for five minutes – two minutes more than her slices needed - but enough to turn Sloan's toast heaven into carbonised bread hell.

Not only was she two minnutes away from disaster, she made matters worse when she briefly fled the toaster area. Sloan nipped out of the kitchen to find a newspaper to read with her breakfast, thus leaving the bread toasting hopelessly out of control.

Fortunately for Sloan, her colleague, Lance Splinter, heroically raced to the rescue. Splinter, a 7/7 hero sniffed the start of a slightly acrid odour - and immediately sprung into action. A veteran of the London terroist attack - he saved himself from the potential carnage by not going anywhere near a danger area - clean-shaven Splinter smelled danger, just like he did that sad day in London's history.

Only this time, Splinter's heroism stepped up a further notch. He selflessly strode into the danger zone and just got a nail on the 'eject' button right before the toast burned.

Chiselled-featured Splinter told the PCP: “I just did what anyone would have done.”

The PCP wishes there were more like him. We salute you.

Tags: terrorism, 7/7, toast, Warburtons, London