Calum Best's "coffee and conversation" shame

Chicken-strutting stud-boy, Calum Best, has disgraced himself and his glamorous, sex-addicted playboy image today, as the PCP exposes him as a "coffee and conversation kinda guy."

Our shock revelations follow a story in The Stun that claimed Best was a whoring sex-psycho who hoovered up grand lines of cocaine then screwed a non-stop parade of escort girls and movie stars like Lindsay Lohan.

However, the truth is far darker tale of scandal-free restraint. Though Best's aides claim he is a "drugged-up, lust-crazed bed romper", two of PCP's favourite Mayfair escorts, Bruna and Sylvia, have revealed a far sicker truth to Best's behvaiour.

They claimed to have met Best in Chinawhite nightclub, where he was sat in the VIP area doing the Times crossword. They persuaded him to join them for some fun in in the city's swanky Metropolitan Hotel. Having stripped off, strapped on and chopped up for some hot sex action, they were to be dissapointed: Best confessed to them that he was more of a "coffee and conversation kinda guy."

Rather than undress and snort a line of Bolivian marching powder, Best remained clothed and asked if the irrisistible hookers had any "fresh salad and Elderflower juice?"

Bruna and Sylvia soon booted out the disgraced 'playboy' and have not heard from him since.

Tags: Calum Best, Chinawhite, Lindsay Lohan, Times, Metropolitan Hotel

A mere 99% of bubble era businesses out of business

A whopping 1% of dot com 'bubble era' techology businesses are still in business, according to a report released today by ACME research. A random sample of all dot-coms that received venture capital financing in 1999 encouragingly showed that only almost all of them (98.9 percent) were out of business five years later.

Senior Analyst with ACME research, Bob Sideshaw, commented: "This clearly shows that the doomsayers were crackpots. They were wrong to write off the booming dotcom businesses of the late nineties.

"With a massive 1% still going, there's irrefutable evidence that the bulk of these start-ups, profit or no profit, were smart bets for investors. Everyone blamed the economic downturn of 2000 onwards on technology - but those people are crazy.

LIZARD INVASION

"The real reason was that the Chinese sent in giant, flying lizards to infiltrate Western stock exchanges and fry the circuits. Their daily, unrelenting attacks sent markets haywire. It took us five long goddam years to get rid of the scaly brutes. But the media doesn't tell you that, in case you freak out. I mean, who wants to know that the gimcrack Chinese have trained flying lizards to attack our commercial centres? Not me, Buster."

BETTING SLIPS

With the technology sector currently experiencing a second massive boom, The PCP quizzed Sideshaw on the prospect of another economic meltdown. The analyst, who arranged to meet the PCP in a high street bookmakers, where he was knee deep in ripped up betting slips, said that the outlook was optimisitic for the technology sector.

Sideshaw said: "Where in tarnation did you get a wild idea like that? I'm betting everything on tech. You should, too. Bet the house! The wife and kids! Heck, bet your own sanity on the stuff.

BULL SHITS GOLD INGOTS

"Imagine the technology sector as a giant bull that's literally going to shit gold ingots for the next 100 years. Who wouldn't want to be in the tech bullring?" After lending Sideshaw £5 for a 'sure fire bet on a three-legged horse', our The PCP reporter made her excuses and left.

Good Nudes for Greens

20,000 butt naked adults gathered in the middle of a city centre this week. Normally, nudes massing in such numbers are a sign that avant garde artist, Spencer Tunick, is shooting one of his sea of flesh portraits.

However, in this case, the PCP has learned that it was simply thousands of misshapen and horny hippies from Scotland’s Green Party spilling into the streets to celebrate their deal with the SNPs to govern the Scottish Parliament. If you walk past the party, best keep your hands firmly at your sides, and look straight ahead.

Tags: Hippies, Spencer Tunick, SNP, Green Party, nude, naked

President Bush's Welcomes the Queen

The PCP has grown up a bit this week to bring you some important international news. In our first report on global affairs, we print a transcript of President Bush's welcome speech to our very own Queen.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Fellow ramekins and treasured gusts, join me in welcoming the Queen of Englandville to celebrate the successful onion between our two Greek counties.

Liz, I’d like to congratulatify you on your Oscar. I simply loved your movie, The Queen. And I loved you in it - you were real purty, yet strangely sexy in your fur. I like a woman with fur, Liz.

But, Lizzie baby, I have a bone to pick with you. Why oh why did you not get your beautiful bazongas out? You've done so in almost every other movie, like Calendar Girls and that biography of my daddy, Caligula. And all of those other naughty movies that Laura doesn’t let me watch.

One thing’s for sure, you certainly still have the mind for state business and the body for sin. So what if you're gettting on a bit? You know what they say: the older the berry, the sweeter the juice. You're a bona-fide MILF, Liz, and I don't mind who knows it.

Now, Queen Liz, as is tradition in Ameri-go-round, me and my feral Rastafarians would like to honour you with a song. And we could offer you no higher respect, than to sing you one from you own repertoire. Of course, you're more than familiar with Bohemian Rhapshody. All together now: “Scaramouche, scaramouche, can you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening - me!"

Tags: Bush, The Queen, Queen, England, Rastafarian

Exclusive: Henry Ian Cusick interview

The PCP is proud to bring you a major exclusive celebrity interview. Thanks to the editor's Scottish connections, he's been able to lure (blackmail) GMTV celebrity lush, Carla Romano, and Lost's psychic hunk, Desmond, played by Glaswegian actor, Henry Ian Cusick, to these fair cyber shores. This is the interview transcript in full:

CR: Hello, Desmond! As you know, I'm the biggest foreign sycophant in all of Hollywood, so I hope your arse can withstand some serious kissing.

HIC: It's Henry, not Desmond. And is your skin meant to be that orange?

CR: Anyway, Henry, thanks for agreeing to an exclusive, tell-all interview to reveal the ending of Lost. So, what’s the big news?

HIC: About what, exactly?

CR: You know, on the ending…of the show.

HIC: Naw, orange lady, you've got me there. What show?

CR: 'Lost', of course.

HIC: Very much so, aye.

CR: You've really got no idea, have you?

HIC: Not a clue what you're talking about. Are you here to take me away from this strange beachy paradise and back to Glasgow?

CR: Oh, bollocks to this- I'm off to find a sunbed. Bye Desmond, I mean Henry.

HIC: Aye. See you in another life, brother.

Male Stripper's Lethal Weapon

A male stripper who dresses as a policeman was arrested this week with wielding an offensive weapon.

The stripper from Aberdeen, who advertises himself as “packing a serious truncheon”, was arrested for having a CS gas canister as an accessory.

However, a local woman has revealed that “fraud” would be a more appropriate charge, as his lethal weapon is “so small you’d need Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass to see it.”

Journalists gagged at silent film photocall

Media gathered today at a photocall for the personal movie camera that was used by silent screen legend, Charlie Chaplin (1889-1977), and were asked to limit their communication to exaggerated facial expressions, over the top gestures, and the occasional prat fall.

Publicists managing the photocall on behalf of Christies, who will offer the camera for auction, maintained a strict silence throughout, though this inevitably damaged the publicity effort beyond repair.

The Keystone Cops of publicity stopped journalists from asking vital questions and TV presenters from speaking to camera. They also vetoed photographers’ cameras which made “clicks, whirrs, and bleeps” that were “more in keeping with the Star Wars era than Charlie Chaplin’s”.

To police their strict, silence rules, the publicists kicked journalists on the seat of their pants, knocked their hats off, tweaked their noses, and punctuated such episodes with comedy horn squeaks. A soundtrack of 1920’s style music played in the background, whilst black and white cue cards were periodically introduced to introduce the photocall’s next set-piece.