Reid wants illegal immigrants to breakdance to death

First it was texts, now Home Secretary John Reid is introducing break dance battles as a deterrent to illegal immigrants.

Making his announcement today, Reid unveiled his latest use of popular culture to “engage with immigrants at a street level.”

Reid’s new plans will see illegal immigrants breakdance-battling against a special Home Office unit – Her Majesty’s Breaking Crew - for a chance to stay in the country.

And in a 21^st century take on gladiatorial Rome, repeat offenders will have to break against each other - to the death.

Cherie around his neck

The PCP caught up with Reid, today to discuss the controversial new scheme. The Home Secretary was dressed for the occasion, wearing a trucker cap, L.A.M.B. love sneakers, and vintage Adidas tracksuit. Reid was also sporting some serious neck bling; when we quizzed him about its origin, however, he replied: “Listen, aight, jus’ don’ mentions it to Cherie, you get me.”

Watt the hell?

Explaining the new scheme, Reid said: “Dig this, blood. We’ll line town squares with linoleum and rock the block with some sweet Skeg beats. It’ll be mad-wicked, you get me. It’ll be a hip hop battle to the death. Normally, there ain’t no physical contact, get me. So we’s gonna change alla dat, by wiring up the immigrant breakers to electric shocks. For each move they lose, they’ll get a fatal dose of watts. And that’ll send their begging, blagging asses straight to hell.”

Flare sucks

Reid wrapped up our meeting by showing us some of the moves he has learned from the new Her Majesty’s Breaking Crew. The PCP has to say, his toprock and transition into a downrock were pretty accomplished, but his power moves – a swipe, windmill and flare – sucked. He even blew his elbow freeze, so we’re glad that Home Secretary Reid won’t be doing any battling of his own.

Tags: breakdancing, john reid, home office, Skeg, Cherie Blair, Adidas, LAMB, SMS

Iraq visit helps PM avoid London queues

London's Oxford Street was Britain's busiest at the weekend, choked with millions of consumers going toe-to-toe for Xmas presents.

But while shoppers bustled, barged, searched, queued and collapsed in exhaustion, one canny Brit dodged the crowds and snapped up a few bargains at the same time. That man was Prime Minister Tony Blair, who nipped off to Iraq for a spot of Xmas bargain hunting. Speaking from the country's capital, the prime minister gushed: “There are bargains galore in Baghdad, and the shops are practically deserted.”

Blair was visiting Iraq’s war torn capital after a night of fire fights that saw the heavily damaged city’s residents flee in fear. The prime minister managed to snap up some local fare in the near-deserted streets, grabbing a yashmak and a hooka among other gifts for his family.

A squaddie contact of the PCP whispered: “He asked us where he could get a cheap burkha for Cherie.”

Following his shopping trip, the Prime Minister quickly stopped off at a few British army bases in Iraq, to speak with sqauddies and autograph tanks.

Tags: Tony Blair, Britain, Iraq, Baghdad, Xmas