E.T. FUEL LOAN

Alien leaves I.O.U. to farmer for stolen red diesel

Extra terrestrials buzzing Britain's summer night skies with UFOs are the latest victims of rocketing fuel prices. In the early hours of this morning, an alien life form was spotted syphoning red diesel from the tanks of a Hereford farmer.

An eye witness account tells of a small, humanoid creature stealing the fuel, normally used to power tractors, to put into his space ship.

Nat Sass, owner of Stag-I-Hedge farms, witnessed the account. She said: "I heard some blippy sounds so I grabbed my shotgun and stepped out into the yard. Imagine my surprise when I saw this little green man in a space suit nicking my fuel to get his ship going!"

Sucking on a space hose
"The Martian was sucking on some kind of a silver space hose to get his syphon going, then filling up his craft - a saucer-shaped thing with flashing lights, like a disco. "

Frozen alien trance

"I would have shot him both barrels but I was frozen to the spot. He'd obviously put me into some sort of alient trance, so all's I could was watch."

After the extra-terrestrial robber had his fill, Mrs. Sass snapped out of the trance and blasted both barrels of her shotgun at the rapidly-ascending craft. However it had spun off at about 600mph, rapidly outpacing the cartridges. Sass immediately dialled 999, but, shockingly, the police refused to help.

Limp ballcock
The PCP caught up with PC Plod today to quiz him on exactly why he gave up on the rustler from another planet. Sergeant Colin Ballcock of Hereford Constabulary offered a limp excuse: "Our law doesn't cover alien invaders."

Dry pumps
With the global fuel crisis deepening and filling station pumps drying up, more and more motorists are turning to desperate methods to keep their vehicles on the move. E.T. isn't the only one to turn to stealing farm-grade diesel to keep his vehicle moving. However now that we're competing with alien raiders for increasingly scarce supplies, it seems like looking to the skies and praying might not be enough.

Squirrels raid allottments as credit crunch grip tightens

Bushy tree bastards - or 'squirrels', as the BBC calls them - have carried out a series of daring daylight raids on vegetable plots and allotments, robbing gardeners of the very veggies grown to fight off the worsening credit crisis.

The news comes as the Daily Telegraph reports that humans are also stealing from allotments, in a bid to help give newspapers straws to clutch at to fill blank pages.

Boom fruit
Plots and allotments have enjoyed a depressing boom in recent years, with tight-arses turning their back on expensive imports found at upmarket boutique strores like Lidl and Aldi, instead using their green fingers as a way of saving on fruit and vegetable bills.

Twat-faced

However, it would now seem that the tree rats - or 'squirrels', if you're twat-faced animal pornographer, Bill Oddie - are taking advantage of this green revolution.

Root-themed

The bushy bandits made off with broccoli and broad beans in Grimely Grumed, near Lancaster, allotment, while other sites in the region have also reported root-themed thefts.And the ratty-toothed big tails aren't stopping at vegetables, with strawberry burglaries also reported.

DiCKs

Harry Phwoar, chairman of the Department in Charge of Kitchen-Gardeners (DiCKs) is concerned the problem could get worse as the economic outlook worsens.

"With squirrels taking up to two strawberries per plot, families are in sever danger of starving."

Someone called Lynda said: "It's heart-breaking."

Kevin, a man, spoke to us. He leaned in, raised an eyebrow, tapped his nose and whispered: "Prraakkkkkkchlotu!"

Man defends 999 'wank bank raid' call

East Dulwich, London - A local man who called 999 last night to report a raid on his 'wank bank' today defended his actions.

After a night at the local EDT pub with friends, John Carmichael, called 999 and requested police arrest a friend who was attempting to rob his 'bank' of masterbatory fantasy material.

According to caller, his pal, Glen Calzone, had spent the evening encouraging him to describe every girl in his mental onanism directory. According to Carmichael, Calzone wrote details of every female down - even drawing pictures - for his own auto-erotic use.

Carmichael made the 999 call as soon as he returned home, insisting that police visit Calzone and charge him with 'wank bank' robbery.

Commenting on the case local police superintendent, Glenda Wigwam, said: "Carmichael undermined his charge by volunteering the information to the accused, without apparent resistance. In this supposed wank bank robbery, Carmichael opened the door and welcomed Calzone in. besides that, there is no law against this kind of robbery - it's not illegal."

Dumbledore: I'm gay but not like other gays

Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore, sensationally came out as gay today. Despite celebrations from London's gay community, however, Dumbledore was quick to distance himself from what he called the "mincing gay pride crowd."

Bovver boots

Speaking from his office in Hogwarts. "I'm not like those other gays - mincing about London's Old Compton Street in bottomless chaps and bovver boots, crowing about how many cock rings I have. They-re-so-clichéd," he lamented.

Attack of the clones

He went on: "I dress just like the other wizards here and know how to have a laugh with the lads. They don't feel threatened by me. I think I'm unique in that respect - so don't you dare compare me to those gay pride clones."

Revenge of the sith

However, according to a PCP source deep in Hogwarts, Dumbledore is not the only gay in the village. "Quite a few of the wizards are gay," said our source, "but they're all just like the other lads, except gay. They dress the same as us, hang out with us, drink the same stuff. There's not a stereotypical homosexual man among them. They're all pretty cool."

The phantom menace

The PCP challenged Dumbledore with this new information but he threatened to turn us into frogs.

Tags: harrypotter dumbledore gay oldcomptonstreet london hogwarts wizard scotdevine popculture popculturephrasebook

Pervert art doll targets West London yoga babes

A young woman today described her horror at being attacked at home whilst in the middle of a solo home yoga session by a pervert art doll.

Amidts sobs, Debbie Chintzowitz, an account manager
from Chiswick, described her horror by reading from a carefully worded statement: "I was doing the 'cat' position, to stretch my lower back. Then I heard panting behind me, and a man-sized art doll was touching himself provocatively.

"He asked me if I could give him a 'happy finish' with some sandpaper. I refused, so he turned nasty. Thankfully, I had a tin of woodworms in the fridge. When I threatened to set them loose on him, he scarpered."

The Met police issued a warning to women in the West London area. Chief Inspector Juliet Bravo warned: "From this crime, we've discerned a disturbing, criminal pattern. It's obvious that the pervert is targeting lycra-clad women peforming yoga exercises at home in the West London area. So we're urging any woman performing yoga exercises at home, particularly in tight lycra clothing, in West London to be vigilant, but not vigilanté."

Sage advice.

Facebook 'news feed' reinforces man's lack of interest in friends

Glasgow, Scotland – The newsfeed on Facebook has made a local man realise he’s not as interested in his friends as he thought he was.

Unable to avoid the newsfeed, which contains a constant stream of the minutae of his friends' lives, Kevin McCloud is bombarded by the status updates, new pictures and mood changes that he simply doesn't feel emotionally connected to.

Keith McCloud says, “Before Facebook, I was able to talk at my friends, and share the thing I'm most interested in - a big bowl of 'me'. Then I would merely pretend to listen to their news."

But Facebook changed all of that. McCloud laments,"Now, if I want to use Facebook, I can’t click through my friends' news updates quick enough. It’s icky and unavoidable; like trying to reach the other side of a field covered in cow shit, I have to wade through the muck of lives of people who are close to me.”

“I’m even getting updates on people I haven’t seen for 15 years,” Keith moans, “but I wasn’t able to deny their friendship invite, as I’m already about 650 friends behind the most popular person in my circle.”

Tags: facebook, scot devine, pop culture, glasgow, parody news

WIFI spears bring head hunters into digital age

Only ten years ago they still feasted on human flesh, but now the ancient jungle tribes of Papua New Guinea are set to feast on 21^st century style information - thanks to the arrival of wifi-enabled spears.

Hollowed-out owls

The brainchild of Microsoft founder, E.T., and Intel CEO, R2D2, the internet-enabled spears blend seamlessy into the environment and connect wirelessly to transmitters hidden in hollowed-out owl carcasses in trees.

Yippee

R2D2 said, “This kind of technological advancement will allow them to leap thousands of years of missed civilisation straight into the wonderful world of the 21^st century. Yippee!”

Boar brain sorbet

One resident tribe, the Wakakukakakakuki, were said to be cannibals up until 1496. However, those tribesmen hoping to use their new cyber spears for a little dotcom shopping for such staples as tree frog poison shots, boar brain sorbet and cobra liver souffle will be disappointed: the internet cannot process the island's cuckoo feather currency – yet.

President Bush's Welcomes the Queen

The PCP has grown up a bit this week to bring you some important international news. In our first report on global affairs, we print a transcript of President Bush's welcome speech to our very own Queen.

PRESIDENT BUSH
Fellow ramekins and treasured gusts, join me in welcoming the Queen of Englandville to celebrate the successful onion between our two Greek counties.

Liz, I’d like to congratulatify you on your Oscar. I simply loved your movie, The Queen. And I loved you in it - you were real purty, yet strangely sexy in your fur. I like a woman with fur, Liz.

But, Lizzie baby, I have a bone to pick with you. Why oh why did you not get your beautiful bazongas out? You've done so in almost every other movie, like Calendar Girls and that biography of my daddy, Caligula. And all of those other naughty movies that Laura doesn’t let me watch.

One thing’s for sure, you certainly still have the mind for state business and the body for sin. So what if you're gettting on a bit? You know what they say: the older the berry, the sweeter the juice. You're a bona-fide MILF, Liz, and I don't mind who knows it.

Now, Queen Liz, as is tradition in Ameri-go-round, me and my feral Rastafarians would like to honour you with a song. And we could offer you no higher respect, than to sing you one from you own repertoire. Of course, you're more than familiar with Bohemian Rhapshody. All together now: “Scaramouche, scaramouche, can you do the fandango? Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening - me!"

Tags: Bush, The Queen, Queen, England, Rastafarian

Publicist spills pint, fails to spin way out of subsequent fight

Slick West End publicist Sir Max Cliffe was recovering in hospital today after being beaten up in a Mayfair bar last night, following an incident where he spilled a tray of drinks that a fellow customer was carrying.

Celebrating a new business success with colleagues, Cliffe was re-telling the dramatic story of the win when the trouble started. Using increasingly dynamic and unpredictable gestures to punctuate his points, he backed into John Snatch, who was carrying a tray of drinks including Guinness and red wine from the bar to his group of friends. Excitedly wind-milling his arms and dancing back into Snatch, Cliffe sent the 6’4’’ man flying. A soaking, stained and furious Snatch confronted Cliffe who, on instinct, tried to spin the incident with an unsuccessful salvo of flip missives.

Cliffe tried to convince the married, semi-professional rugby player, Snatch that: “You look hot, wet – I could get you a front cover of gay bible, Attitude magazine looking lie that”; and that “red wine stains are all the rage in trendy Hoxton – I know Pete Doherty’s stylist and she’d give you one, particularly if you gave her a half ounce of skag.” However, the legendary spinning skills that usually give Cliffe the victorious 'punch the air' feeling of victory, this time resulted in a punch in the face misery, as Snatch rained down blows.

Horror stricken across their faces as they looked on, Cliffe’s colleagues fled, citing lateness for various vital West End dinner reservations.

Madonna to get another orpan

The PCP has learned that skeleton-on-strings pop psycho, Madonna, is on the hunt for orphan children. The deranged Kabbalah priestess is poised to adopt a new child to add to her growing collection.

And, once again, she is looking to pluck a child from total obscurity, rescue it from third world poverty, and boost its otherwise bleak chances of survival and nurture it back to health – and hope.

She is expected to find an orphan in Liverpool later today.

Reid wants illegal immigrants to breakdance to death

First it was texts, now Home Secretary John Reid is introducing break dance battles as a deterrent to illegal immigrants.

Making his announcement today, Reid unveiled his latest use of popular culture to “engage with immigrants at a street level.”

Reid’s new plans will see illegal immigrants breakdance-battling against a special Home Office unit – Her Majesty’s Breaking Crew - for a chance to stay in the country.

And in a 21^st century take on gladiatorial Rome, repeat offenders will have to break against each other - to the death.

Cherie around his neck

The PCP caught up with Reid, today to discuss the controversial new scheme. The Home Secretary was dressed for the occasion, wearing a trucker cap, L.A.M.B. love sneakers, and vintage Adidas tracksuit. Reid was also sporting some serious neck bling; when we quizzed him about its origin, however, he replied: “Listen, aight, jus’ don’ mentions it to Cherie, you get me.”

Watt the hell?

Explaining the new scheme, Reid said: “Dig this, blood. We’ll line town squares with linoleum and rock the block with some sweet Skeg beats. It’ll be mad-wicked, you get me. It’ll be a hip hop battle to the death. Normally, there ain’t no physical contact, get me. So we’s gonna change alla dat, by wiring up the immigrant breakers to electric shocks. For each move they lose, they’ll get a fatal dose of watts. And that’ll send their begging, blagging asses straight to hell.”

Flare sucks

Reid wrapped up our meeting by showing us some of the moves he has learned from the new Her Majesty’s Breaking Crew. The PCP has to say, his toprock and transition into a downrock were pretty accomplished, but his power moves – a swipe, windmill and flare – sucked. He even blew his elbow freeze, so we’re glad that Home Secretary Reid won’t be doing any battling of his own.

Tags: breakdancing, john reid, home office, Skeg, Cherie Blair, Adidas, LAMB, SMS

Barking Mad-vertising

Britain's top dog food manufacturer has announced Ukrainian feral child, Oxana Malaya, as the new face of Pedigree Chow.

According to a company press release, Malaya, who was raised by feral dogs, was selected "because of her uncanny ability to connect with dogs and human beings alike."

However, when the PCP spoke with Head of Pedigree Chow Marketing, Frank Whanckerman, he told us that there was more to it.

Whanckerman said: "Dude, she's like totally feral. It's not an act. You couldn't make it up. It's just...just awesome. This is the kind of funny shit we make up in marketing meetings but...she's just so real. I was, like at the screen test, you know, drinking a few beers, and she crawls in. Crawls! I was all like 'what the fuck?!' We've totally got to use her. It's just, just so funny, you know? It's like, if someone doesn't use her for a dog food commercial...well, fuck, man, you know?

"Anyway, check this out. At this screen test, we're like, in the studio and she's like, you know, bounding about the studio on all fours, cocking her leg and peeing on the cameras and stuff...pretty gross. We're all like - 'that's pretty feral behaviour!' Ha ha ha! She IS though - that's what's so funny about her! She came up and stuck her nose right up at my arse - can you believe that? I usually have to pay for that. It's brilliant for me and brilliant for Pedigree Chow.

"We didn't even have to pay her anything. We kinda just gave her guardian like £1,000 - nothing to us but shit-loads to them. For a laugh, we gave like Oxana a fake cheque, that I actually drew - with a pen - and she can't even tell the difference between that and a real one. It's just brilliant - so funny. So we've got her for nothing. How inspired is that? It's just a marketer's dream! End of."

Met arms police with snowballs

The Met police chief, Ian Blair, today confirmed that he will be arming his Armed Response Unit with snowballs.

Blair said: "The recent snowfall may have brought most of London to a standstill, but serious crime continues to flourish. Although criminals, like ordinary Londoners, cannot use any tube or overground trains becuase of this catastrophic 2 inch snowfall, they are using alternative means such as walking."

But Blair has cunningly turned the freak weather conditions to his advantage, by issuing snowballs to armed response police to hurl at weapon-wielding crooks.

Blair continued: "No-one can resist a snowball fight. Be it happy-go-luck school kid or hardened, sawn-off shotgun-carrying career criminal. So our plan is to despatch officers to a crime scene, where they take cover, and draw the crook into a snowball fight by pelting him. It's idiot-proof. Plus, are armed response unit has taken to killing innocent civilians, so snowballs are safer for the general public. "

The Wrath of the Inch of Snow

The Inch of Snow that brought London to its knees last week has issued a chilling threat: it may return in the cold snap this week. It's the news that Londoners surely feared the most, and may have some fleeing the town in terror.

Today, at 4.03 p.m., the Inch of Snow cut into national TV and radio broadcasts, taking over the country's airwaves to deliver it's nerve-rattling warning, in an accent alarmingly like Alan Rickman's:

"Puny Earthlings. I, the inch of snow, hate you. I hate your trains. I hate your Tube. I hate your inability to cope with even the meekest weather. And so I, the Inch of Snow, will return to destroy your diminishing faith in Britain's public transport once and for all. Beware.

"Your trains will grind to a halt. Your Tube lines will shut. Your buses will not move. And, although you humans will be able to walk and move exactly as normal through my really quite thin dusting of snow, and though that dusting only lasts until about 8.30 a.m., whereupon it just kind of melts, so help me I will bring your public transport to a grinding standstill."

The PCP asked Mayor Ken 'Livid' Livingston to comment, but his press spokesman said that he was "far too busy sending letter bombs to congestion charge managers, Capita."

Tags: snow, London, Tube, Ken Livingston, letter bomb

Britain climbs up crime tree, follows PM's example

Britain finally has something to be proud of - it's #2 in Europe for crime and classified as a "high crime country".

Narrowly missing out on the top spot to, what Jedi Knight, Obi Wan Kenobi, calls a "wretched hive of scum and villainy", Ireland, the UK has claimed silver medal in Europe's crime leagues.

The island nation had yesterday started a last minute countrywide crime spree in a bid to clinch first place, but failed to topple Ireland, a land populated almost exclusively by criminals.

100% pure British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said that the nation should be proud of second place, but to try harder next year.


Today, as the British people crowded around TVs in their homes and crammed into pubs with big screens to see the results being announced, the Prime Minister gave the following address:

"People of Britain, we have done ourselves proud today. We have earned Europe's respect, and built a solid foundation to become the world's most criminal country. We have all done our bit. I have been a criminal. My illegal arms deals, wars and peerages for pals with cash have all contributed to our proud record in 2006. And Cherie has done her bit too, exploiting all the loop holes to help get me off the hook. I say to you: lets build on this success, and lets win that crime crown in 2007."

Since its empire has disintegrated, Britain has failed to come first at everything from sport to economics. However, these encouraging, new crime statistics offer hope to the British people, and many indeed help make the nation proud once again.

Eye contact epidemic threatens Tube travellers

Londoners are on alert today after the Met Police issued a new stark warning for tube travellers.

The Capital’s police force has told commuters to brace themselves for a wave of newcomers and tourists engaging them in eye contact and conversation on their daily commute.

The news comes when residents’ fears of strangers engaging in interactions on public transport are at an all time high due to growing visitor numbers and immigrants pouring into swinging London.

One London commuter, John Snatch, said: “I was in a train 20 minutes behind a colleague who was trapped in a blast of stranger chat – an Italian tourist asked him which train to take to Madame Tussauds. He’s been in therapy ever since. I had a narrow escape.”

Another, Margaret Cringe, said: “I’m never going on the tube again. It’s just not safe anymore. The unwritten rules of the Tube are no eye contact and no talking to strangers. Now those rules have been violated, I’ll never feel fully safe again. So I’ve bought a bike, and am going to cycle from now on.”

Eye contact and random conversation are perhaps the least understood of all threats to public sanity on London public transport. But new research by a source close to the PCP brings home the full horror of how an outbreak of such interactions, if increased in scale, might affect London.

It would wreak panic in the Underground, see large numbers of bus routes shut down, roads closed off and result in long-term illnesses such as politeness, sociability and human warmth.

One frightening possibility is that there’s an epidemic caused by tourists and those new to the town engaging in conversations with ordinary commuters. This could result in a mass hysteria that would shut the city down.

The London Mayor’s office has issued a stark warning to all Londoner’s to be on their guard, report any suspicious conversation-starters, and invest in anti-interaction solutions like headphones and dark glasses.

Man leaves wife for self-service checkout

Ayr, Scotland - Donald Donaldson, 47, today left his wife of 23 years, Rita, for a self-service checkout in his local supermarket.

Donaldson fell in love with the voice of the automated checkout in his local Tesco store, and has been spending evenings in the shop next to the checkout, waiting for what he thinks is a woman who will emerge from the machine at closing time.

Donaldson told the PCP: "She's everything to me. I'm walking on air when I hear her voice. Just listening to her - and that's the limit of our interaction currently - is enough to know: She completes me."

A spokesman for the Tesco store told us: "The guy thinks there's a woman in the machine. Talking to him. We have to remove him every night - physically throw him out of the store. One night, at about 3 a.m., our security found him standing naked and hugging and kissing the checkout. Around it he'd placed flowers, chocolate, a glass of champagne. There were romantic notes, too. He must have hid in here after closing."

Donaldson, has twice left wife, Rita, in the past ten years. In 1997, he had a short affair with an automated phone payment service for an electricity provider, and a full blown romance with the Glasgow Central railway station automated announcer.

iPhone to bring peace to Iraq by 2008

Apple launched the iPhone today, a phone that its founder Steve Jobs claims will bring peace to Iraq - but not until 2008.

Speaking from the MacWorld Forum 2007, Jobs said: "This phone pretty much does everything, and for sure peace in Iraq is the ambition (for iPhone). However, we're aware that it's a mature peace market there, with lots of competition trying to settle the nation. And, as we're new to this whole creating-a-lasting-peace-in -the-Middle-East thing, we want to walk before we can run. So we're projecting 2008 for a definitive, iPhone-driven peace."

The new wonder phone is also a music powerhouse. With it's dial-up style connection, it can download a CD-quality album in under 7.5 hours.

See also:
The iPod does everything
The iPod gets double wag of the finger

Tags: iPhone, Apple, MacWorld, Iraq, peace, Steve Jobs

7/7 hero saves toast from burning in office kitchen

Two slices of Warburton's toast were set to burn beyond all recognition, yesterday, until a 7/7 hero bravely dived in to save them.

In an ordinary, central London office kitchen, consultant, Amanda Sloan, had put her white bread slices into the toaster, expecting a nice lightly toasted bread awaiting her in minutes. But - crucially - she failed to check the timer. It was set for five minutes – two minutes more than her slices needed - but enough to turn Sloan's toast heaven into carbonised bread hell.

Not only was she two minnutes away from disaster, she made matters worse when she briefly fled the toaster area. Sloan nipped out of the kitchen to find a newspaper to read with her breakfast, thus leaving the bread toasting hopelessly out of control.

Fortunately for Sloan, her colleague, Lance Splinter, heroically raced to the rescue. Splinter, a 7/7 hero sniffed the start of a slightly acrid odour - and immediately sprung into action. A veteran of the London terroist attack - he saved himself from the potential carnage by not going anywhere near a danger area - clean-shaven Splinter smelled danger, just like he did that sad day in London's history.

Only this time, Splinter's heroism stepped up a further notch. He selflessly strode into the danger zone and just got a nail on the 'eject' button right before the toast burned.

Chiselled-featured Splinter told the PCP: “I just did what anyone would have done.”

The PCP wishes there were more like him. We salute you.

Tags: terrorism, 7/7, toast, Warburtons, London

Iraq visit helps PM avoid London queues

London's Oxford Street was Britain's busiest at the weekend, choked with millions of consumers going toe-to-toe for Xmas presents.

But while shoppers bustled, barged, searched, queued and collapsed in exhaustion, one canny Brit dodged the crowds and snapped up a few bargains at the same time. That man was Prime Minister Tony Blair, who nipped off to Iraq for a spot of Xmas bargain hunting. Speaking from the country's capital, the prime minister gushed: “There are bargains galore in Baghdad, and the shops are practically deserted.”

Blair was visiting Iraq’s war torn capital after a night of fire fights that saw the heavily damaged city’s residents flee in fear. The prime minister managed to snap up some local fare in the near-deserted streets, grabbing a yashmak and a hooka among other gifts for his family.

A squaddie contact of the PCP whispered: “He asked us where he could get a cheap burkha for Cherie.”

Following his shopping trip, the Prime Minister quickly stopped off at a few British army bases in Iraq, to speak with sqauddies and autograph tanks.

Tags: Tony Blair, Britain, Iraq, Baghdad, Xmas