Students to get gas huffing lessons

British students will get 'gas huffing' lessons in a bid to cut deaths as a result of asphyxiation. New legislation from government will see 13-18 year old pupils receiving instruction on how to get high on gas safely, minimising risk to their health while maximising their highs. Good times.


Sniffing Brown
In a bid to half the deaths from the popular teenage pursuit of aerosol sniffing, prime minister Gordon Brown has ordered school leaders to educate pupils on how best to consume the intoxicants.


Prime sex pest
The prime minister wants drug education to mirror sex education, and likens unwanted teen pregnancies to unwanted teenage deaths.

Announcing the new legislation, the Prime Minister said: "Some people call me a pest when it comes to sex - not everyone wants to talk to under-16s about shagging, but I certainly do. I believe that, if you get them young enough, you can convince them of anything - including how to have a decent romp, without getting bang up the duff."


Beautiful Hell hole
PM Brown went on (and on): "Teens don't want their young lives ruined by something as petty as death - just as they don't want to fall pregant before they've had a chance to sniff the beautiful flower of teenage life, by joining a gang and stabbing a rival to death, having public sex in holiday resorts like Ayia Napa, and getting banged up abroad in Hell holes like the Bangkok Hilton."