I'm not your friend

Homeless people put up with a lot of shit. They cope with pretty extraordinary circumstances. Yet, just like you never see baby pigeons, you never see homeless people cry. So when I passed one today, bawling his eyes out, I felt compelled to find out why.

Me: “Hey-hey-hey there, big guy, are you ok?”
Homeless guy (crying, a lot): “No, I’m not facking ok, ok?”
Me: “Not sure what I can do, slick, but can I help at all?”
Homeless guy (crying, a lot): “Nathing, you facking cant, unless you can get the facking best facking music vide award off of those facking cants, Justice and Simian, and give it to the facking artist that truly facking deserves it – Kanye.”
Me: “Why should I, pal?”
Homeless guy (crying, a little less): “Because Pamela fackin Anderson was in that video, it cost a facking million, and facking Kanye jumped across a facking canyon.”
Me: “Like Evil Kneivel?”
Homeless guy (snivelling): “Not facking really. Cant.”
Me: “But – dude – have you seen the Justice and Simian video? It like, totally, facking rocks, dude.”

At this point, a thump from nowhere bashed me hard, and I toppled over onto the pavement. I awoke some minutes later, with cartoon birds tweeting around my head. Someone had knocked me out and stuffed something in my mouth: a magazine page of pneumatic pin-up, Pamela Anderson.

Maybe the homeless guy was right. Maybe Kanye was too. Maybe putting Pamela Anderson in his video should have scooped him this year’s best video award at the MTVE VMAs, and not Justice/Simian's "We are your friends".

Maybe that’s why the homeless guy lashed out at me. And maybe that’s why Kanye stormed the stage. Maybe I should stop writing “maybe” over and over again. It’s making me feel suicidal. Why don’t you make up your own mind. Read this crazy mofo - it'll help you figure out this whole badass situation.