banked a cheque at lunchtime at RBS in Victoria Street. In like Flynn, no queueing. As usual, they tried to upsell some services. I cut to the chase - I'm withdrawing my savings soon and switching. I explained that it was becuase I felt that, out of all of the banks affected by the recent crisis, they were by far the most inept, their losses being greater than all of the others.

Poor leadership is a good enough reason for me to leave, a lifelong customer. But what about others? Tellers hadn't heard any such talk from anyone else. Wonder why? Struck me that RBS could be doign a far better job of trying to reassure their customers and explaining why they're such fuck ups.

Quick before they kill it off

My 14 year old nephew is spending half term writing songs, so he told me on IM (which he and his mates call MSN) yesterday.

I was preparing for a quarterly client review when he fired up the chat, so my instincts were to pour water on it as quickly as possible. Until I remembered a good piece of advice: Praise a child.

It hoovered up some time, but it was worth it. He pasted some lyrics into the IM window - pretty typical teenage stuff - highly emotive, raw-sensitive, and longing for acceptance. Over and over he said they were 'rubbish', but I stuck with my praise, saying I was really proud that he was being so creative and using his imagination. Then he pushed me on specific feedback. Eek.

So I stuck with it. I went back through them and applauded him on making them emotional and sensitive, for using very visual metaphor ('closing of a door' on his advances to a girl) and for being honest about his feelings. He loved the feedback.

Taking it on a step, I gave him some ideas of how to build momentum for his new interest, based on some of the techniques I'm rolling out at the office. I suggested that he get his favourite songs and try and write some of his own stories on top of the lyrics, replacing them but fitting in with the structure and meter. Again, he soaked it up. I suspect that he'll adopt far quicker than office-bound adults.

He's at an age when he's already been exposed to 9 years of beating the imagination out of him at school - of thinking vertically and logically. This is exactly the problem we all suffer from in a world that demands more and more ideas, but which is built on structures desigend to stamp out creative thinking. So encouraging my newphew to engage his imagination isn't just spiritually rewarding for me, it's critical for him. As such contests like rubberband are great, but show how corporations are beginning to value children's imaginations highly.

I've been thinking a lot about kindness right now, and this praising a kid thing not only ties into that, but also helps you feel more positive according to Lynda Field, which is useful at times of stress, like this month.

Also, however, my Spidey-sense is tingling with 'kindness' and 'optimism' a lot right now, and both seem like happy bedfellows. From the William James quote in the sidebar in this article (I know it's the Mail, was the in-laws copy, not mine, honest) to this World Changing article about 'active optimism' to even lovely ad agency, W + K's blog 'Welcome to Optimism'. Last night I had a dream that I was in a nightclub during the day with W+K's creative team making things with millions of Lego bricks - it seems I can't even hide from the glass half full approach even in sleep.

Feels ironic, given that the news is reaching a strange kind of zenith of pessimism, to sense that optimism is about to become a driving force in the world. Maybe it's change in the air. And change can be good, but only if we make it that way.

We launch the T-Mobile G1 Phone

The office was a frenzy of activity today, buzzing with journalists and teams excitedly calling the nation's media for the launch of the T-Mobile G1 phone.

It's the first phone to use Google's Android platform, and is built into an HTC Dream type handset.

The world's worst kept secret - although naturally us at Brands2Life towers kept our mouths shut - it launched today in New York at 3.30 GMT on the dot.

Can't wait to get my hands on one. Well, i have fondled one already, but, you know, I want more than a one night stand with this awesome internet mobile.

The new face of the PCP

All change here at PCP towers.

I'm straighening out the content by abandoning the parody news posts, and instead posting a mixture of straight-forward diary entries as well as the more stylised variety - all relating to pop culture, or my interpretation of it.

This is to enable me to use the blog in a more personal way and to chart various projects such as a comedy project, an art project and even a gardening project. Different parts of my life but I'll fuck it, lets see how they hang together.

Take it away Thin White Duke...

E.T. FUEL LOAN

Alien leaves I.O.U. to farmer for stolen red diesel

Extra terrestrials buzzing Britain's summer night skies with UFOs are the latest victims of rocketing fuel prices. In the early hours of this morning, an alien life form was spotted syphoning red diesel from the tanks of a Hereford farmer.

An eye witness account tells of a small, humanoid creature stealing the fuel, normally used to power tractors, to put into his space ship.

Nat Sass, owner of Stag-I-Hedge farms, witnessed the account. She said: "I heard some blippy sounds so I grabbed my shotgun and stepped out into the yard. Imagine my surprise when I saw this little green man in a space suit nicking my fuel to get his ship going!"

Sucking on a space hose
"The Martian was sucking on some kind of a silver space hose to get his syphon going, then filling up his craft - a saucer-shaped thing with flashing lights, like a disco. "

Frozen alien trance

"I would have shot him both barrels but I was frozen to the spot. He'd obviously put me into some sort of alient trance, so all's I could was watch."

After the extra-terrestrial robber had his fill, Mrs. Sass snapped out of the trance and blasted both barrels of her shotgun at the rapidly-ascending craft. However it had spun off at about 600mph, rapidly outpacing the cartridges. Sass immediately dialled 999, but, shockingly, the police refused to help.

Limp ballcock
The PCP caught up with PC Plod today to quiz him on exactly why he gave up on the rustler from another planet. Sergeant Colin Ballcock of Hereford Constabulary offered a limp excuse: "Our law doesn't cover alien invaders."

Dry pumps
With the global fuel crisis deepening and filling station pumps drying up, more and more motorists are turning to desperate methods to keep their vehicles on the move. E.T. isn't the only one to turn to stealing farm-grade diesel to keep his vehicle moving. However now that we're competing with alien raiders for increasingly scarce supplies, it seems like looking to the skies and praying might not be enough.

Squirrels raid allottments as credit crunch grip tightens

Bushy tree bastards - or 'squirrels', as the BBC calls them - have carried out a series of daring daylight raids on vegetable plots and allotments, robbing gardeners of the very veggies grown to fight off the worsening credit crisis.

The news comes as the Daily Telegraph reports that humans are also stealing from allotments, in a bid to help give newspapers straws to clutch at to fill blank pages.

Boom fruit
Plots and allotments have enjoyed a depressing boom in recent years, with tight-arses turning their back on expensive imports found at upmarket boutique strores like Lidl and Aldi, instead using their green fingers as a way of saving on fruit and vegetable bills.

Twat-faced

However, it would now seem that the tree rats - or 'squirrels', if you're twat-faced animal pornographer, Bill Oddie - are taking advantage of this green revolution.

Root-themed

The bushy bandits made off with broccoli and broad beans in Grimely Grumed, near Lancaster, allotment, while other sites in the region have also reported root-themed thefts.And the ratty-toothed big tails aren't stopping at vegetables, with strawberry burglaries also reported.

DiCKs

Harry Phwoar, chairman of the Department in Charge of Kitchen-Gardeners (DiCKs) is concerned the problem could get worse as the economic outlook worsens.

"With squirrels taking up to two strawberries per plot, families are in sever danger of starving."

Someone called Lynda said: "It's heart-breaking."

Kevin, a man, spoke to us. He leaned in, raised an eyebrow, tapped his nose and whispered: "Prraakkkkkkchlotu!"

Students to get gas huffing lessons

British students will get 'gas huffing' lessons in a bid to cut deaths as a result of asphyxiation. New legislation from government will see 13-18 year old pupils receiving instruction on how to get high on gas safely, minimising risk to their health while maximising their highs. Good times.


Sniffing Brown
In a bid to half the deaths from the popular teenage pursuit of aerosol sniffing, prime minister Gordon Brown has ordered school leaders to educate pupils on how best to consume the intoxicants.


Prime sex pest
The prime minister wants drug education to mirror sex education, and likens unwanted teen pregnancies to unwanted teenage deaths.

Announcing the new legislation, the Prime Minister said: "Some people call me a pest when it comes to sex - not everyone wants to talk to under-16s about shagging, but I certainly do. I believe that, if you get them young enough, you can convince them of anything - including how to have a decent romp, without getting bang up the duff."


Beautiful Hell hole
PM Brown went on (and on): "Teens don't want their young lives ruined by something as petty as death - just as they don't want to fall pregant before they've had a chance to sniff the beautiful flower of teenage life, by joining a gang and stabbing a rival to death, having public sex in holiday resorts like Ayia Napa, and getting banged up abroad in Hell holes like the Bangkok Hilton."

Gangs adopt second holiday hangouts

Record numbers of London gangs are taking on second bus stops in the subburbs to hangout in at weekends and holidays, according to research today. However the affluent, city gangs are driving suburban ones out and local businesses are suffering from the downturn in trade.

Gangs such as the Peckham Misfits, have taken on a bus stop near the main train station in in Surbiton, Surrey, in addition to their main hangout in Peckham Rye. This new location is exclusively for weekend and holiday use.

Gang leader, Ryu Chaps said: "We use it just like our London stop. We stand around, drink cheap cider, inimidate passers-by, and graffitti."

There's a dark side to the story however. Local shopkeepers whose survivcal depends on regular, nightly sales of cheap alcohol, cigarette papers and graffiti pens and spray paint, are suffering from the lack of regular trade.

Kenny Snash, who owns Snash Stores, near the Surboiton bus stop adopted by the Peckham Misfits said: "I need regular, local trade from local thugs or else I'll go under. This weekend-only trade is killing me."

Man defends 999 'wank bank raid' call

East Dulwich, London - A local man who called 999 last night to report a raid on his 'wank bank' today defended his actions.

After a night at the local EDT pub with friends, John Carmichael, called 999 and requested police arrest a friend who was attempting to rob his 'bank' of masterbatory fantasy material.

According to caller, his pal, Glen Calzone, had spent the evening encouraging him to describe every girl in his mental onanism directory. According to Carmichael, Calzone wrote details of every female down - even drawing pictures - for his own auto-erotic use.

Carmichael made the 999 call as soon as he returned home, insisting that police visit Calzone and charge him with 'wank bank' robbery.

Commenting on the case local police superintendent, Glenda Wigwam, said: "Carmichael undermined his charge by volunteering the information to the accused, without apparent resistance. In this supposed wank bank robbery, Carmichael opened the door and welcomed Calzone in. besides that, there is no law against this kind of robbery - it's not illegal."

TINY TEENS TERRORISM THREAT

Children as young as 15 are among the "thousands of UK residents who pose a terror threat," according to the head of Britain's shady secret service, the MI5.

Upon hearing the news, the PCP sent a team to ask members of the public what they think.

After a detour via some specialist shops in Soho, we got these reactions:

Bert Rumplestiltskin, fruit and veg stall owner: "Finally something to reverse the perception that they're a shower of useless turds who layabout masturbating over video games all day."

Judy Trumpet-Smythe, harp tuner: "Every Halloween we get the same story - but you can avoid the little rascals terrorising you simply by stocking up on Celebrations and Haribo."

Mick Tramp, kebab magician: "Pick a kebab sir, any kebab. Now don't let me see it, sir. That's it. Now put it back in the pack sir. Now I'll shuffle the kebabs and - abrakebabra - is that your kebab, sir?

Post-punksters' Daring Oink Raid

New York-based post-punk band, Interpol, today smashed an international music pirate ring Oink after a daring dawn raid.

Armed with little more than lateral haircuts and angular indie tunes, the band - pictured above outside Oink's offices before the raid - stopped the members-only music file sharing site from trading.

Similar raids on other music file sharing sites are expected from Interpol contemporaries.

The P.A.P - Post-punk Artists against Piracy - sydnicate, which includes bands like the Strokes, Bravery, Muse and Franz Ferdinand will be shutting down file sharing sites worldwide this week.

Named after the sound a pig makes, Oink is now closed pending an investigation by P.A.P.

Tags: Oink, Strokes, Bravery, Muse, Interpol, postpunk

Dumbledore: I'm gay but not like other gays

Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore, sensationally came out as gay today. Despite celebrations from London's gay community, however, Dumbledore was quick to distance himself from what he called the "mincing gay pride crowd."

Bovver boots

Speaking from his office in Hogwarts. "I'm not like those other gays - mincing about London's Old Compton Street in bottomless chaps and bovver boots, crowing about how many cock rings I have. They-re-so-clichéd," he lamented.

Attack of the clones

He went on: "I dress just like the other wizards here and know how to have a laugh with the lads. They don't feel threatened by me. I think I'm unique in that respect - so don't you dare compare me to those gay pride clones."

Revenge of the sith

However, according to a PCP source deep in Hogwarts, Dumbledore is not the only gay in the village. "Quite a few of the wizards are gay," said our source, "but they're all just like the other lads, except gay. They dress the same as us, hang out with us, drink the same stuff. There's not a stereotypical homosexual man among them. They're all pretty cool."

The phantom menace

The PCP challenged Dumbledore with this new information but he threatened to turn us into frogs.

Tags: harrypotter dumbledore gay oldcomptonstreet london hogwarts wizard scotdevine popculture popculturephrasebook

Rugby's Golden Balls adds 'not very sweaty' to list of talents

The 'Golden Balls' of England's World Cup-losing rugby team has risen angel-like above the crude sturm and dram of the game once again.

For against all the odds, during his team's defeat to new rugby world champs, South Africa, Johnny Wilinson left the pitch without a single bead of sweat, grass stain, muck patch, or scratch on him.
Such things are left to mere mortals - the other 29 players in each team.

Pictured left just after the final whistle of the rugby equivalent of a pitched battle, the pristine and unruffled England fly-half was photoshoot-ready, in sharp contrast to the vulgar opposition.

South Africa may have left the pitch world champs, but the sweetness of their victory was soured by their physical appearance. Unlike pretty boy Wilkinson, the Boks were a ghoulish patchwork of blood-spurting gashes, dark bruises and sweat-soaked matted hair. They were more warring primates than gentlemen rugby players.

To a man they smelled worse than a hostel of Glasgow tramps. And, where their once-pristine team kit wasn't splattered with their own blood, sweat and tears, it was stained almost beyond recognition with grass and muck. By winning such a prestigious match in such a disgraceful fashion, the Boks have brought shame on the delicate game of rugby. So thank Albion for Johnny and his one-man mission to bring the game out of the Dark Ages with his effortless - or even better, zero effort - grace.

Some people argue that, with a kicking record as appaling as Johnny's, it's better to look like you've given it every last inch of energy to a match where fans paid the cost of a new car for a ticket. Those people are obviously neanderthals, whose vulgar protestations Johnny himself can breezily sweep aside; it wasn't his fault that he missed so many easy opportunities at goal, it was either the ball's, or an injury that he had the serene dignity to keep quiet about until some beastly journalist raised the ugly accusations.

Tags: johnnywilkinson, rugbyworldcup, rugby, englandrugby rugby england scotdevine popculture popculturephrasebook sport news

Pervert art doll targets West London yoga babes

A young woman today described her horror at being attacked at home whilst in the middle of a solo home yoga session by a pervert art doll.

Amidts sobs, Debbie Chintzowitz, an account manager
from Chiswick, described her horror by reading from a carefully worded statement: "I was doing the 'cat' position, to stretch my lower back. Then I heard panting behind me, and a man-sized art doll was touching himself provocatively.

"He asked me if I could give him a 'happy finish' with some sandpaper. I refused, so he turned nasty. Thankfully, I had a tin of woodworms in the fridge. When I threatened to set them loose on him, he scarpered."

The Met police issued a warning to women in the West London area. Chief Inspector Juliet Bravo warned: "From this crime, we've discerned a disturbing, criminal pattern. It's obvious that the pervert is targeting lycra-clad women peforming yoga exercises at home in the West London area. So we're urging any woman performing yoga exercises at home, particularly in tight lycra clothing, in West London to be vigilant, but not vigilanté."

Sage advice.

Facebook 'news feed' reinforces man's lack of interest in friends

Glasgow, Scotland – The newsfeed on Facebook has made a local man realise he’s not as interested in his friends as he thought he was.

Unable to avoid the newsfeed, which contains a constant stream of the minutae of his friends' lives, Kevin McCloud is bombarded by the status updates, new pictures and mood changes that he simply doesn't feel emotionally connected to.

Keith McCloud says, “Before Facebook, I was able to talk at my friends, and share the thing I'm most interested in - a big bowl of 'me'. Then I would merely pretend to listen to their news."

But Facebook changed all of that. McCloud laments,"Now, if I want to use Facebook, I can’t click through my friends' news updates quick enough. It’s icky and unavoidable; like trying to reach the other side of a field covered in cow shit, I have to wade through the muck of lives of people who are close to me.”

“I’m even getting updates on people I haven’t seen for 15 years,” Keith moans, “but I wasn’t able to deny their friendship invite, as I’m already about 650 friends behind the most popular person in my circle.”

Tags: facebook, scot devine, pop culture, glasgow, parody news

Eddie Murphy to play Melanie Brown in movie

Eddie Murphy has turned his paternity suit frown upside down thanks to a new movie role – as ex-girlfriend, Melanie Brown.

Handcuff hit-to-be

The Beverly Hills Cop star has broken free from the handcuffs of the recent court battle by playing his ex in a new story about her awesomely interesting life.

Sexy mental star

“Scary Spice – the Blagger from Britain” is the story of ex-Spice Girl and Murphy lover, Melanie Brown. Murphy is playing the title role of failed female pop star and serial star fucker, Mel ‘B’, because, his agent charitably states, “He is totally, beyond-psychiatric-rescue mental.” Murphy is known for playing the role of multiple characters in such hit movies as Coming to America and Nutty Professor. So he can play her. After she has played him, obviously.

Relax with transvestites

When he’s not playing a dramatised version of an ex-lover who has just dragged his reputation through the international tabloid press for personal gain, Murphy likes to relax by dating transvestites for money. So it's not like he's a stranger to weirdness.

WIFI spears bring head hunters into digital age

Only ten years ago they still feasted on human flesh, but now the ancient jungle tribes of Papua New Guinea are set to feast on 21^st century style information - thanks to the arrival of wifi-enabled spears.

Hollowed-out owls

The brainchild of Microsoft founder, E.T., and Intel CEO, R2D2, the internet-enabled spears blend seamlessy into the environment and connect wirelessly to transmitters hidden in hollowed-out owl carcasses in trees.

Yippee

R2D2 said, “This kind of technological advancement will allow them to leap thousands of years of missed civilisation straight into the wonderful world of the 21^st century. Yippee!”

Boar brain sorbet

One resident tribe, the Wakakukakakakuki, were said to be cannibals up until 1496. However, those tribesmen hoping to use their new cyber spears for a little dotcom shopping for such staples as tree frog poison shots, boar brain sorbet and cobra liver souffle will be disappointed: the internet cannot process the island's cuckoo feather currency – yet.

Calum Best's "coffee and conversation" shame

Chicken-strutting stud-boy, Calum Best, has disgraced himself and his glamorous, sex-addicted playboy image today, as the PCP exposes him as a "coffee and conversation kinda guy."

Our shock revelations follow a story in The Stun that claimed Best was a whoring sex-psycho who hoovered up grand lines of cocaine then screwed a non-stop parade of escort girls and movie stars like Lindsay Lohan.

However, the truth is far darker tale of scandal-free restraint. Though Best's aides claim he is a "drugged-up, lust-crazed bed romper", two of PCP's favourite Mayfair escorts, Bruna and Sylvia, have revealed a far sicker truth to Best's behvaiour.

They claimed to have met Best in Chinawhite nightclub, where he was sat in the VIP area doing the Times crossword. They persuaded him to join them for some fun in in the city's swanky Metropolitan Hotel. Having stripped off, strapped on and chopped up for some hot sex action, they were to be dissapointed: Best confessed to them that he was more of a "coffee and conversation kinda guy."

Rather than undress and snort a line of Bolivian marching powder, Best remained clothed and asked if the irrisistible hookers had any "fresh salad and Elderflower juice?"

Bruna and Sylvia soon booted out the disgraced 'playboy' and have not heard from him since.

Tags: Calum Best, Chinawhite, Lindsay Lohan, Times, Metropolitan Hotel

A mere 99% of bubble era businesses out of business

A whopping 1% of dot com 'bubble era' techology businesses are still in business, according to a report released today by ACME research. A random sample of all dot-coms that received venture capital financing in 1999 encouragingly showed that only almost all of them (98.9 percent) were out of business five years later.

Senior Analyst with ACME research, Bob Sideshaw, commented: "This clearly shows that the doomsayers were crackpots. They were wrong to write off the booming dotcom businesses of the late nineties.

"With a massive 1% still going, there's irrefutable evidence that the bulk of these start-ups, profit or no profit, were smart bets for investors. Everyone blamed the economic downturn of 2000 onwards on technology - but those people are crazy.

LIZARD INVASION

"The real reason was that the Chinese sent in giant, flying lizards to infiltrate Western stock exchanges and fry the circuits. Their daily, unrelenting attacks sent markets haywire. It took us five long goddam years to get rid of the scaly brutes. But the media doesn't tell you that, in case you freak out. I mean, who wants to know that the gimcrack Chinese have trained flying lizards to attack our commercial centres? Not me, Buster."

BETTING SLIPS

With the technology sector currently experiencing a second massive boom, The PCP quizzed Sideshaw on the prospect of another economic meltdown. The analyst, who arranged to meet the PCP in a high street bookmakers, where he was knee deep in ripped up betting slips, said that the outlook was optimisitic for the technology sector.

Sideshaw said: "Where in tarnation did you get a wild idea like that? I'm betting everything on tech. You should, too. Bet the house! The wife and kids! Heck, bet your own sanity on the stuff.

BULL SHITS GOLD INGOTS

"Imagine the technology sector as a giant bull that's literally going to shit gold ingots for the next 100 years. Who wouldn't want to be in the tech bullring?" After lending Sideshaw £5 for a 'sure fire bet on a three-legged horse', our The PCP reporter made her excuses and left.

Good Nudes for Greens

20,000 butt naked adults gathered in the middle of a city centre this week. Normally, nudes massing in such numbers are a sign that avant garde artist, Spencer Tunick, is shooting one of his sea of flesh portraits.

However, in this case, the PCP has learned that it was simply thousands of misshapen and horny hippies from Scotland’s Green Party spilling into the streets to celebrate their deal with the SNPs to govern the Scottish Parliament. If you walk past the party, best keep your hands firmly at your sides, and look straight ahead.

Tags: Hippies, Spencer Tunick, SNP, Green Party, nude, naked